Understanding
by Miss Geoffery Chaucer
Summary: A short little one-shot of Ichigo and Renji coming to understand their feelings. With a little bit of Toshiro peppered in just for your enjoyment! RenIchi


**A/N  
**This started out as a simple exercise in dialogue-writing since I don't do much of that and ended up failing miserably. I feel like I want to continue this, but pharmacy school has recently become (quite literally) a full time year-'round job. We'll see what kind of response it gets.

Renji/Ichigo  
Please let me know how you feel about this. I do enjoy the feedback. :)

**Updated A/N**  
It's been brought to my attention that Renji is somewhat OOC. This was my first attempt at writing these characters and I tried. So, just a heads up!

Some people have had issue with Renji using the -chan honorific with Ichigo. I wholeheartedly understand that and have removed all but 2 of them (After re-reading this, I feel like "Ichi" flows better than "Ichigo-chan" anyway). However, I feel like in this moment, they are sort of both OOC (as cute as I think they are, I have a feeling Ichigo and Renji would never really get together...) and I used the honorific originally to show a different side of Renji. So, heads up there, as well!

Finally, some definitions (I forgot to put this up before!)  
-Taicho: Captain  
Kuso: General japanese curse word (damn, shit)  
Baka: Fool/idiot  
Shinigami: Death God/Soul Reaper (I sure hope you all knew this one already!)  
Vizard: Shinigami who has obtained Hollow powers

It had been a long time, years, decades even, since Renji had felt this peaceful. He didn't pretend to know or understand what was happening between the younger shinigami and himself, and he was even less certain as to how said-shinigami felt about everything. Ichigo had a tendency to bottle things up and carry his world on his own shoulders, never relinquishing any part of the burden to anyone, although several had offered aid. Fruitlessly, Renji himself had attempted time and again to relieve the fiery teen of his impossible strain.

At this very moment, he could sense that Ichigo was not asleep, but lost in his own tormented thoughts. A deep yearning ran through Renji, a desire to understand the younger man and share in his nightmares, if only to make the night a little less dark for him. He subtly tightened the arm that lay across Ichigo's waist, pulling him infinitesimally closer against his chest and rubbing his chin absentmindedly against the tense man's shoulder.

"Renji? You awake?" Ichigo turned his head slightly. Renji's quiet response was cut off before it even began to escape his lips when he suddenly sensed another reiatsu nearby. The new presence teased at the corners of his mind, neither malicious nor attempting to be sneaky, merely curious. Hitsugaya Taicho. This should be interesting, he thought. Never very good at sensing the reiatsu of others, and obviously distracted by other thoughts, Renji could tell that Ichigo did not even notice the captain's approaching presence. The older shinigami smiled to himself and remained quite, giving Ichigo the impression that he had not awakened.

Ichigo sat up quickly and attempted to pull away from the sleeping red-head's embrace, clearly startled. Renji made a mental note of this reaction, as well as his own response to Ichigo's reaction which was, confusingly enough to him, something he was not entirely used to feeling: hurt and a little saddened. Ichigo averted his eyes, cheeks no doubt infusing with color. "Toshiro..."

Hitsugaya settled into a crouch beside Ichigo, shifting irritably. "Kurosaki!" His voice was low and exasperated. "How many times do I have to tell you: it's _Hitsugaya Taicho_!"

Although still overcome with confusing and conflicting emotions, Renji could barely contain a laugh at what had become a common exchange between Ichigo and Hitsugaya. He attempted to cover the shudders that ran though this body as a sleep-laden shift in response to the sudden exclamations. Breath held, Ichigo remained completely still. When Renji showed no further signs of movement, Ichigo slowly let out a shaky breath.

"Toshiro," he repeated, trying for all the world to sound nonchalant, "what are you doing here?"

"I was in the neighborhood and sensed that you two were over here," Hitsugaya replied archly, glancing at Renji and then back to Ichigo, "so I thought I'd come by. Is everything okay, Kurosaki?" he added, noting the tension that made the air surrounding Ichigo thick.

Sighing, Ichigo ran a hand through his disheveled mass of orange hair. Renji could sense very clearly the younger man's discomfort and distress with the current situation. He supposed that it was understandable: no one knew about their relationship yet and he could just imagine how their current position looked to Hitsugaya. Ichigo had been having a hard enough time dealing with what was going on between them and Renji often wondered how he would react when others inevitably began to find out; he had not deluded himself into thinking they could keep this secret going forever. Although definitely understandable, Ichigo's reaction nevertheless caused a deep sadness within Renji. He sighed silently, hoping Ichigo wouldn't notice the change in his reiatsu.

"Yes. No. I don't know." he was stumbling over his words, trying to find the right ones. Glancing behind him at the sleeping form that was Renji, Ichigo sighed heavily, bringing his hand up to rub the kinks out of his neck, as if he could massage away what was bothering him. "I just have a lot of shit on my mind. I'm sorry, Toshiro."

"It's normal you know." Hitsugaya could sense that Ichigo needed to talk to someone, needed help getting through his current dilemma and, thus, decided to drop the argument of formalities for one night.

Renji felt the sudden movement that was Ichigo's head snapping up to look at Hitsugaya. If he knew Ichigo at all, and he was pretty sure he did by now, then a furious blush was spreading across his cheeks at just this moment.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I-I don't know wh-what you're talking about!" Ichigo stammered, his body tensing.

It was Hitsugaya's turn to sigh. Piercing green eyes met chocolate brown ones, wide with surprise and uncertainty. "Ichigo." He spoke softly. "It's normal. What's going on between you and Renji." He looked pointedly at the sleeping shinigami before meeting Ichigo's eyes again, his look laden with meaning and understanding.

Ichigo's eyes widened further before dropping, looking away from the captain to thoroughly inspect a thoroughly insignificant leaf.

Hitsugaya took the lack of denial as his cue to continue. "I know you must be confused, I can sense that." He smiled dryly. "You've never been good at hiding your reiatsu or your emotions, Kurosaki. But I think you should know that things are different here than in the real world, in many ways. Of course you already know that," he added quickly when Ichigo looked at him sharply, not to be condescended, "but there are subtle differences here, too, not just the obvious ones."

The direction in which their conversation was veering both worried and intrigued Renji. He was worried as to how Ichigo would react to someone blatantly talking about their relationship so openly and casually. Worried that he would hear the words come forth that he so desperately did not want to hear from Ichigo's lips...words of denial, words of self-loathing over what they were doing, or worst of all words of regret. It would be too much for the red-head to handle if Ichigo truly felt that way. He didn't consider himself to be an emotional man generally, but damn if Ichigo didn't have that effect on him.

Ichigo's eyes slowly found their way up to peer at Toshiro's profile, studying the wisdom he'd never before taken the time to notice in the young shinigami-captain.

"Things aren't always so black and white here, like they are in the real world; _your world_. Relationships, for example."

"What'd you mean?" Ichigo sounded puzzled. But, Renji noted, puzzled was better than angry or bitter and it was definitely a hell of a lot better than regretful. Puzzled was a start. As they say, things always seem darkest before the dawn. Hadn't he heard that somewhere? Perhaps these moments were simply Ichigo's dark night before a brilliant awakening of realization, a new dawn. He shifted somewhat restlessly again. Pretending to be asleep was a pain when such interesting conversation was at hand.

"Well," Toshiro instinctively knew that he was treading on a minefield when it came to this topic and Kurosaki Ichigo; therefore, he knew that to tread lightly was essential. The last thing he wanted to do was provoke the Vizard into a needless battle. He simply wanted Ichigo to see that things didn't always have to be as complicated as he liked to make them. Some things could be simple, especially when they simply made sense. Like Kurosaki Ichigo and Abarai Renji. Anybody with half a brain could see that they made a hell of a lot more sense together than apart. It seemed that Ichigo was the only one having trouble seeing how _natural_ it was. He sighed inaudibly before continuing.

"In Soul-society, relationships are not necessarily, nor are they often, defined by one's gender. There are no labels here: gay, straight, bisexual-" he seemed to spit the words out with great distaste, "-those concepts have no meaning _here_. They were created in _your_ world by people who didn't understand the complexities or depth of the soul's emotions. Even the concept of age is meaningless here." Renji knew Hitsugaya well enough to know that this last statement would draw a smirk even as it left his lips.

"Look, Kurosaki," he continued gently. "The point is, if you've found someone that makes you happy, someone that understands you and supports you, there is absolutely no shame it who it is. Period. Man, woman, 150 year old shinigami or 18 year old Vizard." His features had softened as he turned that piercing green stare on Ichigo. "No one here will ever judge you for that. And if people in _your_ world" - there was that disdain again- "have a problem with it, then fuck them. They could never understand, they don't know...what we go through together here." He was speaking very quietly at the end, averting his eyes away from Ichigo's to stare thoughtfully into the distance.

Renji had never before heard such an impassioned speech from Hitsugaya. He passively wondered where it stemmed from. More than that, though, he felt something building within him, struggling to break through to the surface. He wanted to wrap his arms tightly around Ichigo and hold him close. He wanted to whisper into Ichigo's ear all the things he'd never been able to tell him. Confusion overcame him as he began to wonder for the first time why he'd never before told Ichigo how he felt. Sure, there were often murmured words of affection during intimate moments and taunting gazes and caresses at inappropriate times designed to make the young human-turned-shinigami-turned-Vizard blush. But he had begun to assume and take for granted that Ichigo knew how he truly felt about him, that he knew the true depth of Renji's feelings. Maybe this situation was all his fault.

No. He didn't believe that. Hell, he hadn't even really thought about, let alone understood his own feelings until this very moment so how could he have ever shared them with Ichigo? He wasn't sure if he even completely understood them now. One thing he did know was that, during the course of this conversation, a burning desire to know what _Ichigo_ was feeling had been slowing building within him. If he didn't find out soon he would go insane. He felt Ichigo relax against him, all the fight going out of his body as he sighed deeply and resignedly.

"It's not just that, Toshiro."

Hitsugaya waited, giving Ichigo a chance to collect his thoughts. When the fiery Vizard said nothing further, he gave a gentle prod. "What is it, then, Kurosaki?"

Renji felt the weight leaning against him shift uncertainly. Lowering his voice, Ichigo answered. "I think that maybe I'm starting to really have feelings for Renji. More than just, y'know, messin' around and shit. Fuck, I can't believe I'm even saying any of this." A shaking hand raked roughly through wild orange spikes yet again, a nervous habit years in the making.

Renji knew that Ichigo's face would be burning at that admission and he wished with everything he had that he could see it. However, that thought barely had time to register in his brain before the true meaning of the words dawned on Renji and their implication became clear. He felt as if a weight he'd not even been previously aware of was suddenly lifted from his chest, as if a thousand butterflies were suddenly let loose within him, as if he was taking his first breath after being submerged under water for far too long. He felt...happy; deliriously so. If Ichigo turned around to glance at the red-head at just that moment he would definitely see the huge grin breaking across Renji's face. _When did I become such a fucking girl? And why don't I give a damn that I'm acting like such a fucking girl?_ He knew the answer to both of those questions: _When I met Kurosaki Ichigo_. His life had never, and would never, be the same again. And he would love every minute of it.

"It's okay Kurosaki. You need someone to talk with about this. It's not healthy to keep everything bottled up. I already told you I'm not going to judge you for anything you say or feel."

"It's just that...well that I'm not sure what _he's_ thinking or feeling. We have a good time together and all, and I love...his company but..." Ichigo's voice trailed off, trying once again to find the right words to convey what he wanted to say. "I just wish I knew what Renji was thinking, how he feels about...all of this...about...me." It seemed as if Ichigo was talking more to himself at this point.

He lifted his head but couldn't meet Toshiro's eyes. "I don't know if _he's_ okay with people knowing about us, y'know? I think...yeah, I think I'd be okay with people knowing. I've never been one to give a shit what people think about me. But...I guess I feel like Renji could... do better, y'know? Like people would look at us together and think that he could have done better." Ichigo's frustration was palpable. It caused an uncomfortable constriction around Renji's heart. He could clear up all of the young Vizard's confusion, wipe away all of his worries and insecurities if only they could be alone now. He appreciated what Hitsugaya had done, would thank him vehemently as soon as he could; however, now that he had a better idea of what Ichigo was thinking and going through and could therefore easily remedy the situation he wished that the captain would take his leave.

Renji could feel Hitsugaya's eyes on him. Intuition hit him, and he suddenly had a feeling that Hitsugaya knew he was awake, possibly had known throughout the entire conversation.

"You underestimate yourself, Kurosaki Ichigo." Green eyes turned back to Ichigo. "You need to give yourself a little credit sometimes. And Abarai, as well. You are afraid that he is worried about what others will think of him. Since when have you known _him_ to give a damn about that? You think he could do better than you. He could do much worse, Kurosaki. Abarai thinks very highly of you, and not just as a fellow shinigami. He speaks of you frequently. When you are in Karakura Town and he is here, it is obvious to all that he misses your company. Even though it is not _known_ that you two are together, many assume it to be so. _And no one thinks twice about it_, Kurosaki." He rose to his feet, preparing to make his exit, pausing to let Ichigo absorb his words before continuing.

"One last thing to keep in mind, Kurosaki. Abarai undoubtedly knows of the assumptions everyone has made regarding the two of you. He has never once put forth any statement of denial."

With that, he was gone, leaving Ichigo to wonder at his parting words.

Renji waited until he felt the last traces of Hitsugaya's reiatsu slip away. His nerves were battling for dominance against his desire to confront Ichigo with what he'd heard. For the moment, his nerves seemed to gain the upper hand and he remained still, listening to the quite sound of Ichigo's shallow breathing. _He has feelings for me...he's not ashamed of _us_...he doesn't regret what we've been doing...he's actually worried about how _I _feel!_ Renji marveled over what an amazing creature Kurosaki Ichigo was. He'd gone from utter denial about any sort of attraction to Renji, to acceptance and embracement of his feelings, to wanting to _protect_ Renji! The part that he did not like, however, was that Ichigo seemed to truly believe that he, Renji, could do better and would be embarrassed to be seen publicly with him. _Baka!_

Sitting up slowly, Renji wrapped his arms around Ichigo, pulling the young Vizard's back against his chest. He felt muscles tense initially in surprise only to relax into the embrace. For a moment they simply sat in serene silence, Ichigo letting his head fall back to rest on Renji's shoulder, eyes closed and sighing deeply. Renji brought a hand up to smooth orange locks off Ichigo's forehead before leaning down to place a chaste kiss on his head. A warm burning feeling was spreading through his chest, threatening to burst free. Never before had he felt such a thing and he smiled in spite of himself; he could definitely get used to this.

"Renji..." his voice trailed off.

"It's okay, Ichigo." There was no hint of mocking in his tone, only a deep and genuine affection. He rubbed his cheek absentmindedly against the top of Ichigo's head. "I heard everything." Ichigo stiffened instantly.

"Wh...what?"

"I said it's okay, Ichi." Renji tightened his embrace and something in his tone caused the younger shinigami to relax against his chest once again. "I was awake even before Hitsugaya-taicho arrived; I apologize for not saying so. I wanted to hear what he had to say...and what you had to say as well."

"And...?"

"And I feel like a fucking love-struck school girl!" Renji couldn't keep the smile out of his voice. Ichigo really did have _some_ effect on him.

Ichigo pulled away from the embrace just enough so that he could turn to face Renji. "Renji...? But aren't you worried about what the others are going to think?"

"_Baka_," he cursed affectionately, "didn't you listen to anything Hitsugaya just said?"

Ichigo blushed deeply and looked down. Renji was talking again before he could even respond, his tone softer then before.

"Ichigo." He put his fingers under Ichigo's chin and applied gentle pressure until their eyes met. "Everything he said was true. Hitsugaya, although of a very young appearance, is both observant and very astute. You really think I give a _damn_ about what everyone thinks? If I did, I woulda put a stop to all the rumors about us months ago. Yeah-" he added quietly as Ichigo's eyes widened, "-he was telling the truth about that too. People suspected us before _we_ even caught on to ourselves." He grinned lightly at the irony of that thought. "And you know what else, Ichi? I've always liked it." It didn't seem possible, but Ichigo's eyes widened even more at that admission.

"You mean...even before...?"

"Hell yeah! You _do_ underestimate yourself. I've always thought you were amazing - powerful, graceful, passionate, loyal to those you care about," he flashed his trademark wolfish grin. "Not to mention you're pretty easy on the eyes." The humor left his eyes almost as quickly as it had entered. "I've never had anything but respect for you Ichigo-chan. It made me proud that people thought of me as a worthy companion for you. So although I obviously never give any sign of confirmation, I never denied it either. And when the rumors became truth, I felt even more pride when I would hear the whispers around me. It was a constant reminder that not only was I _worthy_ of being your companion, but that I had actually _become_ your companion."

Ichigo still looked concerned, his brow furrowed in perpetual worry. It frustrated Renji. He didn't know how to get it through the young Vizard's thick skull. Words certainly weren't working and he knew of only one other method so he employed it. War-roughened hands cupped Ichigo's cheeks and gently pulled him forward, lips meeting tenderly. Renji kept passion and urgency out of this particular kiss; those emotions were for another night, or perhaps later in this night, but not for _this moment_. This moment was about Ichigo and making him understand the depth of Renji's feelings, not just the intensity. Ichigo already knew that Renji wanted his body, burned for his touch, yearned for his kisses. It was time now for Ichigo to understand that Renji wanted more than just those physical things.

Responding automatically, Ichigo relaxed into the kiss, eyes falling shut and hands coming to rest on Renji's thighs. Renji continued to caress his face while lips moved together in a slow dance. Just the barest hint of tongue slid over Ichigo's lower lip eliciting a soft moan from the young shinigami. Instinctually, Ichigo's lips parted in a desperate attempt to deepen the kiss. _Ahh, _Renji thought, _no you don't! As tempting as you are right now, Ichigo, I need you to _understand_ me tonight_.

Some things proved easier said than done. _Kuso! _Renji cursed himself internally as he pulled Ichigo closer against him, his tongue invading the Vizard's waiting mouth, exploring territory with which he was already intimately familiar. Breathing deepened, pulses raced and heartbeats become more erratic. Another low moan was heard and Renji, at this point, could no longer tell if had come from Ichigo or from himself.

With nothing short of a Herculean effort, Renji pulled back slightly, breaking the kiss, resting his forehead against Ichigo's. A low growl emanated from his throat. "_Kuso_, Ichigo-chan! I'm trying to make a point here y'know! I'm trying to show you that I want more from you than just messin' around and, within ten seconds, you've got me panting like a horny human teenager! I should kick your ass for that!"

The angry outburst coupled with the endearing honorific finally caused a smile to tug at the corners of Ichigo's lips. He lifted his face to meet eyes dark with an intensity that seemed to burn into the depths of his soul, searching for something. Renji's breath caught. Ichigo was...beautiful. There were no other words for how he looked: disheveled orange hair going in all directions, wide eyes precisely the color of burnt sienna, a light flush covering his cheeks, and the fist hint of a smile replacing the usually-present scowl.

"You really don't care what people think." Finally, it wasn't a question.

"Finally he gets it!" Renji broke out into a wide, wolfish grin. "Ichi, if I have to say it a thousand times I will: I don't give a _damn_ about what _any_body thinks. If they can't handle it, fuck 'em! I have a feeling, however, that the only emotion this will cause as everyone begins to find out is mass jealousy. And not over _me_."

Ichigo pulled his arm back and threw a half-playful punch towards Renji's face which the fiery red-head caught easily. He applied gentle pressure until Ichigo's fist opened and intertwined their fingers. Ichigo looked at their joined hands, wonder showing in his face as realization continued to dawn on him.

"All this time I've been so worried about what you were thinking," Ichigo said in a low voice.

"You should have said something sooner, Ichi." Renji chided gently, his free hand still cradling Ichigo's cheek. "I could have put all your fears to rest. And here I've been worrying about what _you've_ been thinking. _Baka_." It was unclear whether the soft insult was meant for Ichigo or himself. He imagined it was a little bit of both.

Renji drew a breath and looked Ichigo square on. "Let me make this crystal clear to you so that there is no confusion. From the moment I met you I knew my life would be changed, I just couldn't imagine to what extent. You caught my eye, piqued my interest, held my attention, aroused my desire...and now you've captured my heart - something no other human or shinigami - no other being period- has ever before done. Do you understand, my Ichigo-chan?"

And finally, Renji could see it in Ichigo's eyes: he understood.


End file.
